Feigned Mars trip a success

Weird Science: the ‘voyage to Mars’ proves it’s psychologically possible to travel to Mars

Ok, so who remembers Total Recall? Arnie once again cuts a badass rug as a secret agent come xenophilic liberator of a Martian mining colony, all from the comfort of a flashing chair in an LA clinic. Fanciful stuff. Why then – for the purposes of an incredibly complex psychological experiment into the effects of extended space travel – did the combined international space agencies of Europe consider Paul Verhoeven’s vision of Phillip K. Dick’s darkest sci-fi the perfect inspiration?

European and Chinese scientists emerged at the beginning of November from 18 months in isolation, in which they were monitored daily for the psychological effects associated with the tedium and ‘cabin fever’ provoked by long space missions. With a flight to Mars penciled in for some time in the 2030’s, this kind of expensive pioneering work is apparently needed to convince the sceptics.

The men (all men, yes, after a failed experiment in 2000, nudge wink) spent this period sealed in a series of cramped capsules within a Moscow warehouse, playing Guitar Hero, watching movies and going to the gym to relieve the boredom. After a feigned period on ‘Mars’, they then flew home. The simulation was as realistic as possible, complete with twenty-minute communication delays, recycled air and vacuum toilets. In fact, the only thing missing from this simulation of being in space – and this is paramount in my estimation of this experiment – was being in space.

Space means death; freezing, airless lonely death millions of miles from everything familiar and safe and ‘home’. These men were a door away from rescue for the entire duration of the experiment. The constant fear of death, the ne’er abating nausea of centrifugally replicated gravity and overwhelming isolation surely are the biggest and most insidious psychological issues for any deep space explorers, with boredom a side issue at best. Without the key element of actually being in space, it is unfortunate that the only thing these men simulated for 18 months was being a: agoraphobic or b: in prison.

The experiment was deemed successful. The men didn’t murder each other and, apparently exhibiting no outward signs of mental damage, returned, somewhat pale and skeletal, to a lukewarm reception replete with bemused schoolchildren and slightly peeved family members. The results of the psychological analysis apparently proved that, in principle, a long voyage is now head sponge wise a big fat go.

The men did seem proud of themselves, and were deemed to have suffered no psychological trauma from the trials of the experiment. Italian scientist Diego Urbina said afterwards: “We have achieved on Earth the longest space voyage ever, so that humankind can one day greet a new dawn on the surface of a distant but reachable planet.” Hang on, space voyage? Maybe they should check them out again, just to be sure.