Top of The Flops: Worst 4 Singles
Music columnist Sam Summers casts a critical eye over the worst #1 singles of 2011.
4. Professor Green ft. Emili Sandé – Read All About It
Oh god, Emili Sandé. You deserve so much better than this. After the blinding beatsplosion of ‘Heaven’, you could not have landed a worse guest spot than this. Professor Green sounds like the bastard child of Eminem and one of Donald Duck’s nephews. If I had a hilarious voice I’d stay as far away as possible from rapping about my estranged and deceased father. When I hear your voice I laugh, Professor. I laugh hard. Don’t make me feel guilty.
3. Jason Derulo – Don’t Wanna Go Home
One of a slew of recent tracks which take a classic chorus and turns it into horrendous auto-tuned dirge (see also: Black Eyed Peas – The Time, our #1 abomination), Derulo makes a robotic monstrosity of Harry Belafonte’s legendary ‘Day-O’. When he’s not dropping the most moronic rhymes in pop he’s hanging out in ‘the club’, filling his choruses with ridiculous football chants and, of course, screeching his own name like a spluttering, useless Pokémon. Probably a Magikarp. Dire.
2. Dappy – No Regrets
This is actually quite a decent tune, with one problem: Dappy is a bell end. Dappy is the Fresh Prince of Bell End. The man is an absolute buffoon, peppering his lyrics with everything from Chris Brown-sympathising to Pippa Middleton sex fantasies. Ok, we’ve all been there, but that’s not the point. Dappy takes in the sights and sounds of the world, mashes them up into juvenile nonsense, and spits them out indiscriminately. He’s like a Play-Doh Fun Factory with all the holes shaped like dongs.
1. Cher Lloyd – Swagger Jagger
I’ve spent a good chunk of my time at The Courier making fun of Cher Lloyd, and I think I’m starting to see my problem. I’m nothing but a no-good, rotten hater. I’m just jealous of her inimitable swagger, and I can’t for the life of me stop trying to ‘jag’ it. It has nothing at all to do with this disgusting mess of a song, which strings together an awful chorus, a lazy ‘club’ synth riff and a noxious rap and mercilessly pumps the shit from one to the other like a Human Centipede of Pop. I should just let it go.
I wish Cher Lloyd would just hurry up and keel over…..
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