Morning after etiquette

Whether you’re a ‘get up and go’ guy or a ‘got to get to know you’ girl, Clare Vaughan discovers how to engineer the smoothest post-sex scenario

The ideal situation

If you’re lucky they will leave immediately. There will be a polite exchange of words and potentially some vague chat about booking a taxi. It’s advisable to avoid all topics which may require the use of their first name. The number one rule is don’t ask too many questions.  Be clear, in the nicest possible way, that you don’t want anything more than just meaningless sex from them and send them out the door with a friendly wave.

Worst case scenario

If you’re looking for a somewhat violent method of forcing your unsuspecting lover out bed, try taking a leaf out of my flatmate’s book. After a night of passion the comment , “I really like you – you remind me of my ex girlfriend” resulted in his untimely expulsion out of the house. He was wearing nothing but his shame and confusion.

Get up and go

We’ve all been there. Sometimes the only thing to do is sneak away at the opportune moment. Leaving without even acknowledging the person seems insensitive so maybe it’s a good idea to write a token post-it note otherwise they might even question whether ‘the deed’ ever happened. I may be dubbed the ice queen but climbing out a window is quicker than hanging around for half an hour of awkward small talk.

Smooth talker

One of the boys I asked had a refreshingly nice approach to this subject. He told me “I like to have a cuddle and a chat. Have a laugh and then call them a taxi.” If you want to engage in round two in the morning, don’t reveal your distaste too soon.

Top 5 morning after faux-pas 

1. Tag them in the pull-cam picture

The infamous pull-cam. Like a religion – instils fear in all and yet unites the masses. Although unlike religion, pull-cam is sinful. Say your prayers and beg for mercy.

2. Call your friend to brag (whilst still in bed) about ending the ‘dry spell’

You are allowed to be proud – in secret. Regardless, the glee will be short lived when you realise you share a seminar.

3. Change your Facebook status to: ‘in a relationship’

Expect a restraining order. This action is the modern day equivalent of a highly inappropriate serenade. With an audience of 400 odd people.

4. Pull out a notepad and ask for some constructive criticism

Unless you are insanely confident. In which case, you should not need any guidance.

5. Breathe on them.

Just no. Unless you are/look like Beyonce. That will be distraction enough.