The beastly reality of bestiality

‘Animal sex’ is a term used in a much too positive light. Science Editor Mark Atwill runs down 9 of the strangest animal mating facts that might put off.

1. Honey Bee

Explosive orgasm

Much like Queen Elizabeth I, when a virgin queen bee emerges from her cell for her inaugural flight, she is hotly pursued by a plethora of male suitors. This is where the similarity ends. On mating, the male drone’s genitals will snap off inside the queen, its testicles will explode, and then it will die! The idea is that the snapped off penis plugs the queen’s bits and prevents other males from fertilizing her. If you ask me, it’s a bit extreme…

2. Bonobo

Make love not war

Gangland territorial disputes would be somewhat more lighthearted if, like bonobos, the antagonists settled their differences by having sex. In fact, bonobos use just about anything as an excuse for a tumble. They mutually masturbate, have oral sex and engage in penis fencing or ‘frottage’, often just for a laugh. Naturalists have noted that they are one of the most peaceful mammalian societies on Earth, no guff Chett.

3. Hyena

Chick’s got balls!

Female hyenas are bigger, stronger and more aggressive than males. Oh, and they also have balls…and a pseudo-penis. Essentially an enlarged clitoris, it can be erected at will for greeting displays and mating purposes. To mate, the male has to insert his penis into the female’s pseudopenis. Even worse, she then has to give birth – through a penis!

4. Giraffe

Watersports

Mating is an altogether ridiculous thing for an animal that looks like it’s made of bits of knotted string. To add insult to injury, a male will check if a female is ready for mating by the “fleshman sequence”, during which he will encourage her to urinate, then take a mouthful of her urine to see if she tastes ready. If she does, he will then follow her around until she gives in. Knowing this, go and watch Madagascar. Awful.

5. Giant panda

Panda porn!

Giant pandas don’t want to have sex. It’s no great secret. Put a male and female together in captivity and they will laze around, eat, sleep and barely even notice each other. Just like your average married couple really! In an attempt to spice up their marital life, zookeepers in China have started showing adult pandas steamy, bear-ly legal amateur footage of panda sex. Hasn’t really worked.

6. Fruit fly

Longest sperm in the world

Unbelievably, the world record for longest sperm goes to the tiny fruit fly Drosophila bifurca. Normally coiled, stretching the cell out reveals it is about 5cm long, over 1000 times the length of a human sperm. Fruit fly testes account for about 11% of the male’s body mass. Unsurprising.

7. Dolphin

That’s not his hand

So dolphins are cute are they? In fact, they’re incredibly aggressive predators, viciously territorial, and have a retractable Inspector Gadget-esque prehensile, swivelling penis. This means a male dolphin can use his penis like a hand to explore and manipulate objects. Not cute. Even more sinister: gangs of lusty male dolphins will often use their weird swivelling pensises in an homage to hentai tentacle porn to attempt to gang-rape wandering females. Not. Cute.

8. Argentine lake duck

Fowl play

These ducks are about 17 inches long. Ridiculously, so is their corkscrew penis when stretched out to its full length. The tip of this gargantuan thing is soft and brush like, to sweep away any sperm left behind by other males, and the shaft is malleable enough to be used to lasso a female who tries to escape. Mental.

9. Mountain gorilla

Not big and not clever

Silverback gorillas are immensely strong, terrifying and muscular beasts that preside over a harem of up to 30 females, with whom they will mate all year round. However, the average gorilla penis is less than 4cm long. You know those guys who live at the gym and take that stuff that makes their muscles spasm … methinks a pattern emergeth…