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Banish your bed buddy!

November 5th, 2015 | by NUSU
Banish your bed buddy!
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Okay, admit it, we’ve all been there (or at least heard about someone who’s been there). You wake up, roll over and the memories of the night before come flooding back faster than you can stop the room spinning. In the ideal situation, this person will be flawless, and you’ll gaze at them glowing angelically in the aftermath of what was an amazing night after which you’ll spend the day making pancakes and watching films.

But, let’s be honest, it’s not usually totally like that. You may be wondering how you ever found them attractive, they may be snoring louder than the heavy metal your neighbour plays at 3am, or worse, you may have ‘forgotten’ about your significant other who will no doubt be ringing you any minute. But what do you do? How do you get rid of the one night stand? You may be fortunate enough to have ended up in their house, in which case, grab your clothes and run (don’t leave anything behind or you’ve got an excuse for a stalker), but we’re not always that lucky.

“They may be snoring louder than the heavy metal your neighbour plays at 3am.”

You’ll have heard the typical excuses, get a friend to call with some pretend emergency scenario, wake them up while crashing around loudly so as not to be late for your ‘appointment’. But we wanted something more, we wanted to know the real innovative excuses some of the BNOCs had used after their expeditions in order to pass them to you less experienced competitors in the hope that people might actually believe them, and here’s what we came up with.

NB: If you want to see this person again or have more than a few mutual friends, do not follow these options. Make them  coffee and take their number, these aren’t for those with a fragile reputation.

Option 1: Phone the nanny. Tell them you’re really sorry you slept in but you’re on the way to collect baby Jordy now, didn’t they know university catered for young parents too? Boys – change nanny to the ex.

Option 2: Get the cup out. Most STI clinics have endless free chlamydia home testing kits just waiting for you to pick up and have ready for when your conquest wakes up and you need to know if they’re clean or not. Yes, we know you used protection but you’ve heard what’s going around campus and you need to be safe.

Option 3: Embarrass yourself. You may not want to but if this person’s someone you really don’t want to see again, go all out. Tell them you want to get married, how you’ve never met anyone like them. If they’re not out the door quicker than we can say mistake then you’ve got yourself a fiancé! (Sorry)

“Tell them you want to get married, how you’ve never met anyone like them.”

Whichever one you decide to use next time your morning doesn’t go quite to plan, we wish you the best of luck. And once you’ve perfected the art of pulling and you become a regular one-nighter you can even start playing the game the night before: the subtle hints about that 9am lecture that meant you really shouldn’t be out tonight, the tactical garlic sauce you had with the pizza on the way home. Once you really get into it, the possibilities are endless. Be original, and most of all enjoy your lazy mornings, alone!

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