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Berocca Juniors in Tourney Triumph

October 24th, 2017 | by James Sproston
Berocca Juniors in Tourney Triumph
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In perhaps the most miraculous event since Jack Cryer pulled off pink socks, Berocca Juniors went unbeaten in a tournament. Not one of these radish-growing tourneys, we’re talking about a real-life actual football tournament.

The day started out with 50-odd teams crowded into one SoccerWorld pitch listening to the man, the myth, the legend Liam Isaac. BJFC were seeded into a group with Cra3ter City, Dozy Coves and BAF FC. Decent looking sides, but as we all know, looks aren’t everything. This was what the Juniors feared, as the new kit made the boys look professional, but memories of the old SoccerWorld days still lingered.

Hawkyard opted to take on the Beckenbauer role, being spotted by the keen keeperologists more outside than inside his own box

Donning the official yellow and black jerseys, BJFC’s full-kit wankers took to the field feeling anxious to get started. Without a set Starting V established in the preview, and no Gaffer present on the sidelines, it was Jake Hawkyard, Harri Saunders, Jack Edwards, Tom Coulthard and Harry Van Der Hoek that lined up against Cra3ter City.

Buoyed by the news that normal footy rules applied, Hawkyard opted to take on the Beckenbauer role, being spotted by the keen keeperologists more outside than inside his own box. The man between the posts had a stormer, keeping his first clean sheet of the year in his first appearance this season.

It took a solo goal from Van Der Hoek to separate the sides, even though the Juniors keeping the opposition under the kosh for the full 12. In retaliation, Cra3ster put Edwards’ head into the kosh, knocking the colour out of his face, forcing him to miss one match.

Having taken three points in the first match, spirits were high going into the clash against Dozy Coves. Hailing from the small Flemish town of Coves, Dozy Coves derive their name from their narcoleptic defensive tendencies.

Needless to say, the lads took advantage, with Teddy Lee, William Nicoll, Saunders and Coulthard converting in front of the West Road End. One man who didn’t take advantage was Harry Van Der Hoek, who came off injured early on. After being taken to A&E it was revealed that HVDH had a potentially fatal case of chafage on his left nipple, so severe that just a smooth patch of skin remained.

Edwards made a late appearance in the final match, with his facial injury seemingly not troubling him until he withdrew a few minutes later

In their final group game, BJFC took on BAF FC. For those unsure for what it stands for, fear not for the Juniors’ researchers have found an answer. Backed by the Welsh government, we can only presume that this lot are the Bryntirion Athletic Fans’ Football Club. Having travelled all the way up from Bridgend, the boys’ felt that they had the home advantage. However, this lot’s travelling fan club hyped up BAF for a big match.

With the support of Bryntirion Athletic Fans’ Football Club Fans’ Club, the away side started brightly, but Jake “The Fucking Octopus” Hawkyard kept the yellow-clad warriors in it.

Goals from Coulthard and Nicoll assisted by James Sproston put the lads in control, then another from TC7 moved the match out of BAF’s reach. To round off the day, a lovely flick by Nicoll was volleyed in by Saunders to already put him straight in contention for Goal of the Season. To the delight of the fans, Edwards made a late appearance in the final match, with his facial injury seemingly not troubling him until he withdrew a few minutes later.

Maximum points from this round of the tourney may look impressive, but the Juniors will be properly tested next week in the following set of fixtures to finalising the seeding.

We’ll be up against the best of the best so expect some old-school BJFC reports. Should be a laugh.

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