Finding your place in the crowd

The Couple – Avoid breaching The Couple’s personal space at all costs. Treading anywhere near their bundle of cuddles and love will amount to nothing but dirty looks and more unwarranted elbows to the ribs than you thought possible. Generally found in the hugging-from-behind stance, this pair expect a five metre perimeter around them so they can enjoy their gig in peace, despite being nestled firmly in the middle of a packed crowd. They will make out directly in front of you, and it will be uncomfortable for all involved.

The Teenage Show-off – Arguably the most hateable member of the entire audience. Forever sporting a short back and sides paired with an overly extravagant quiff (add curly hair for extra dickheadedness), this guy will not relent in his efforts to make the gig the rowdiest of his bloody life. It’s really his show, he owns the floor, and he can’t believe everyone else doesn’t want to join him in his laddish, raucous ways.

The Old Guy Who Came Alone – Who are we to judge this guy? He’s got his 2007 tour t-shirt on. He’s on his own, he digs the music, and he’s perhaps standing a little too close to all the young teenage fan girls towards the front of the stage… Nope, fuck it, this guy is kind of creepy, and his boyish enthusiasm in the mosh pit is doing him no favours. His eager involvement amongst the younger members of the crowd quickly descends into a collective parting around him, yet despite all the space, he still manages to bump into you far too much, and you will inevitably end up with half of his pint soaking into your shoulder.

The Front-Rowers. These crazy cats have been queuing outside the venue since twelve, eager to claim a spot upon that hallowed barrier territory. Who knows, they might even be flecked with some lead-singer saliva. Isn’t that the dream? Once in their spot, the front-rowers are immovable forces. They have given up their whole day to be in that spot, and would give up their life before being prised from it. This is fine, but when there are literally hundreds of people behind you pushing and shoving, you need to expect occasional human contact rather than looking at the nearest person behind you (who is doing an admirable job of not slamming into the back of you every five/ten seconds), and look at them as if they are solely responsible for all of the problems in the world.

The Snapchat Crew. Enjoying the gig are we? Having a right good time? No. No you aren’t, unless you’re watching events unfold before the pixelated eyes of your phone screen. What better way to enjoy a gig than to miss it all, only to re-watch ten second clips of it on your snapchat story. Bonus points for uploading your edgy pictures onto Instagram during the gig! As the old adage goes: pics or it didn’t happen.

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