Home Alone

If you’ve ever woken up to the sound of an unfamiliar alarm with a more than stress induced headache,  a loud ringing in your ears and spooning a stranger who looked far more attractive through last night’s beer goggles, then you are not alone. Your initial reaction is probably thoughts on how to extract yourself delicately from the situation or maybe you’re considering how to cope with the half approving, half judgemental faces you will encounter on your walk of shame, but here’s what you really should be considering. How to avoid this becoming a common occurrence.

Short of eating a dozen garlic bulbs to give yourself the equivalent repulsion rating of a dragon’s fire breath your options on how to go home alone at the end of the night can seem limited. However, follow these guidelines and you’ll never have to parade last night’s vicars and tarts social costume down Lover’s Lane again.

     “Develop a dance technique capable of clearing at least a meter radius around you. This is a good way to ensure you get the attention you crave without it leading anywhere”

My first suggestion is to take a bodyguard with you every time you go out, someone to act as your anti-wingman and fend off anyone once they’ve outstepped their welcome. The closer their resemblance to Captain America the better, but in this situation anyone loyal enough to stick with you all night and save you from temptation will do. Just make sure they’re clear on their role or they could end up being tonight’s mistake!

Another tried and tested method of suddenly repelling unwanted attention is to develop a dance technique capable of clearing at least a meter radius around you. This is a good way to ensure you get the attention you crave without it leading anywhere. Just be careful because flailing arms can

potentially lead to casualties and the embarrassment of breaking a nose probably outweighs the shame you’d feel when walking home at the crack of dawn from an acquaintance’s flat.

    

It can be tempting to use the classic excuses, however I would advise you not to. Sure ‘I’m ill’ *cough* sounds repulsive enough, in practice though people can tell just by looking at you if you’re lying. Also saying ‘I have a boy/girlfriend’ can often lead to a full on interrogation and unless you have a detailed backstory you may as well have just stated that you’re single. Instead try reminding them of all the work they should be doing, even if they don’t have any to do there is no bigger turn off than the word ‘homework’. The idea of hours of procrastination where happiness can be found solely through yik yak notifications assuring you that other people find you funny too will instantly dampen any potential sparks.

“Instead try reminding them of all the work they should be doing, even if they don’t have any to do there is no bigger turn off than the word ‘homework'”

 Failing all of these your best option is to take a really, really long bathroom break in the hope that they will lose interest and move on. It’s also worth noting that it makes it easier to reject someone if you are clear in your mind of what you want.

  Everything can get a bit blurry after a few jaeger bombs but generally no one is going to force you to do anything you don’t want so if you have no intention of leaving with someone who you’ve only just met it’s relatively easy to just say no and use the occasional gentle push to get the really persistent ones away. Just try not to be mean or do too much damage to anyone’s ego, it’s not really fair to lead someone on all night then tell them you’re not interested, so make your mind up early on. If in the heat of the moment all this advice gets forgotten just remember you do only live once and those stares are only half disapproving after all.

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