Mash-up madness

Sci-fi fans (and lovers of trippy, space-themed fan-fiction) were tantalised recently with  Steven Moffat’s admission that a Star Trek/Doctor Who crossover would be right up his alley. We’ve rounded up the best, brightest and weirdest of ideas for mash-ups.

Footballer’s Wives meets Bad Girls

If there’s one stock character I can really go for it’s the super bitch. Manipulative, scheming, and invariably sexy; this is a protagonist who’s a dick to everyone but for some reason it’s endearing. That’s exactly how I felt about the ineffable Tanya Turner from classic noughties ITV drama Footballers’ Wive$.

Sexually mercenary and a coke fiend of grade A calibre, it was only a matter of time before her luck would run out and she’d get sent down for something. Unfortunately, this was going to come when her love rival, and wife of the club captain, Amber Gates planted some of Colombia’s finest in Turner’s handbag resulting in a spell in Larkhall Prison, the setting for one of noughties ITV’s finest (if you look at it that way) drama- Bad Girls.

Obviously in the dog eat dog world of G-wing Tanya was not going to put her conniving to rest and from the off-set she was motivated by securing her release and proving her innocence. Of-course the only way for this gal to do it was to get embroiled with a gangster and use extortion, bribing, and blackmail to get her way out of it. On top of this it’s only natural that the absurd follows her into Larkhall and she then gets implicated in a rhubarb poisoning plot.

At the end of Series 3 of Footballers’ Wives we were hankering for more of the villainous Turner and her appearance on Bad Girls was an absolute treat. Not since Zoe Lucker mesmorised TV audiences with her gratuitous sex scenes, her attempts at putting fake tan on a dead baby, and her penchant for older Brazillian millionaires has there been someone even remotely worthy of the title super bitch.

Jamie Shepherd

Game of Thrones meets Teletubbies

There is something intrinsically delightful about the idea of Tinky Winky gouging Dipsy’s eyes from his face as La-La looks on in terror. Or perhaps Noo-noo Lannister orchestrating a nefarious plot to become king of Tubbyland, presumably giving birth to some incestuous vacuum-bag lovechild.

   It does make at least a modicum of disgusting, bewildering sense. The Teletubbies always had the cold, dead eyes of ruthless killers, with the gentle demeanor of diplomats on camera. Who could have guessed that while singing songs about farm animals with groups of small children they were the secretly plotting the tragic downfall of Po, giving new meaning to the term Red Wedding.

Laugh it up now, Po.

Out of shot: Tinky Winky’s famous handbag, red with the blood of his enemies. Laugh it up now, Po. 

  This would all be underpaved by an age-old backstory. Tinky Winky, last of the triangle-headed Targaryens seeks to reclaim Home Hill. And then dragons! Dragons razing the verdant landscape  of Tubbyland with glorious all-consuming fire. Mortal Tubbies tremble at their imminent demise as the eternal black void sweeps them into its gaping maw.

   All the while, George R.R. Martin’s smiling visage stares uncaringly down at the Tubby-themed chaos, giggling maniacally as the lions savage and maul the remainder of the animal parade. It was always the creepiest part of the beloved childhood series, and it is my unwavering opinion that the addition of Martin’s visceral imagination could only enhance the experience.

   Oh, the money I’d pay to see this series made. And furthermore, I think it would do very well. People would watch it unquestioningly with sick fascination. Just like when we watched Teletubbies.

Ollie Burton

Doctor Who meets Star Trek

Doctor Who’s head writer Steven Moffat recently suggested that he would love to do a crossover between his show and Star Trek which is due to return in 2017 and has set those geek hearts-a-flutter. Just imagine for one second, the two smartest characters locking minds in a sixty-minute epic; but how would Mr Spock and The Doctor interact with each other. Would they be friends? Would they be enemies? Let’s investigate the possibilities.

So many possibilities...

So very many possibilities…

So they meet on a far off distant planet, both are investigating a very unusual life form with three heads and seven arms when they run into each other. You can literally feel the tension between the pair as they both fight to reveal more information about the alien, let alone the rush to name it. Probably for the best that Captain Kirk and Clara Oswald pull their respective mate away before things turned really nasty.

However, turn things on their head and we see Spock and The Doctor bonding over finally finding someone who they match intellectually. Forget Kirk and Clara, Spock and The Doctor have now found each other, and what a beautiful relationship they will have. Ships ahoy; there’s already an abundance of fan fiction doing the rounds on the internet about the pair.

Realistically though, this isn’t going to happen. Spock and The Doctor might be the perfect pair, either in a friendly or an argumentative way, but they live in different pockets of science fiction; one where we can enjoy our sci-fi heroes individually.

Helen Daly

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