Rant of the week: Dick pics

David Mitchell has been quoted as saying he’s never been offered cocaine. And while he’s sure he’d hate it if he tried it, and doesn’t particularly want any, he’s annoyed he’s never been ‘cool’ enough to have been given the opportunity. Similarly, this is my view on dick pics. It may come as a shock, but in 20 years I have never received one. Sure, I would hate it, and I don’t want any, but does that mean I’m not hot enough to be sent an anonymous picture of some genitalia?

“A girl’s first dick pic is a rite of passage, high up there with other such noble traditions as being wolf whistled at”

We’ve all seen random dicks on chat roulette when we were way too young to be looking at them – but they don’t count, they’re so impersonal. What I’m talking about is someone posing to make it look as big as possible, setting the snapchat timer to 10 seconds for maximum effect and adding a little caption on it especially for me- ‘like what you see?’ for example, or ‘my little friend says hello’, followed by a winking face and maybe a kiss. Sadly, this has never happened – I am to dick pics what David Mitchell is to cocaine. Am I missing out? A girl’s first dick pic is a rite of passage, high up there with other such noble traditions as being wolf whistled at or being told to pull your skirt down because it’s too short. These blatant expressions of the patriarchy are the building blocks of many a social group, because it’s something every girl can relate to.

“It would be nice to know I’m so drop dead gorgeous that people can’t help but wap out their cocks”

Alas when the conversation turns to dick pics I have nothing to say. I can’t laugh off the inappropriateness or shudder with disgust. Maybe I should be more alluring in my snapchat stories, less goofy, poutier on Facebook and better filtered on instagram. It would be nice to know I’m so drop dead gorgeous that people can’t help but wap out their cocks and offer them to me on a silver platter on social media. I picture myself spinning, angels singing in the background while phones fall around me flashing their wares, beckoning me to click the little red square on snapchat, each one offering a reinforcement- ‘yes, you are hot enough to receive a picture of my willy, here it is!’.

“Are dick pics akin to unsolicited street flashing?”

The want for that level of acceptance is hard to shake, even though I know it’s ridiculous. I know my own opinion of myself is the most important, but still… Maybe I’m thinking about them in the wrong way. If someone in the street unapologetically whipped their schlong out and winked at me, expecting a nude in return for their generosity, I would probably scream and walk the other way. When I say it like that, it sounds more than a little creepy. In fact, something similar did happen and it was a horrifying experience. Are dick pics akin to unsolicited street flashing? Probably not, but the line is thin and getting increasingly blurred. Is it a line that’s even worth crossing? Is the outcome of your surprise virtual dick attack- probably a surprised gasp and a delete from their contacts- really worth it? Hmmmmm … I think I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want a dick pic. I’ll choose being David Mitchell in a world free from pixelated penises any day.

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