I’m tired. The first week of university is hard enough as it is without having to fend off these questions and comments every moment of every day. Let me just work through my hangover in peace please. Excuse me while I crawl into a hole.
1. What’s the difference between a lecture and a seminar?’ I’ve been asked this question three times this morning alone. We know what they are, we hate them for being at 9am and no we do not want to discuss with the person sat next to us. Move on.
2. ‘Tell us your name, where you’re from and something interesting about yourself’. Oh god. This is the moment when you realise you’re the dullest person on the planet and all you can think to say is about the weird concoction of bacon, baked beans and crisps that you had for tea last night. Too. Much. Pressure.
“Will someone please bring me a pizza”
3. A text from your grandma – ‘are you eating well dear?’ Honestly grandma, no. The best food that I’m eating right now is whatever free stuff is being given out at the union and after that it’s basically just frozen chicken nuggets and chips. Fresh fruit and veg? Vodka cranberry counts, right?
4. On Facebook – ‘I was soooooo drunk last night’ with at least 236 accompanying pictures. We were all drunk last night. It’s fresher’s week. Please stop reminding me of the embarrassing things I did yesterday and will someone please bring me pizza?!
5. In a lecture – *cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*. Why can people never just cough once? And what is it about hearing a cough that makes an entire lecture theatre feel the need to join in? SHUT UP. For once, I am actually paying attention and now I have no clue what the lecturer said and have spent so much time being annoyed about you coughing that I’ve missed a description of both world wars, the French revolution and the entire civil rights movement because the lecturer talks so freaking fast!
6. ‘I’ll buy the next round!’ No, you won’t. You will conveniently leave about 3 minutes before you’re due to buy the next drinks. Also, when I’m buying can you not order the most expensive drink you can possibly think of? It’s just common courtesy and is not the way to make friends.
7. Are you poly or posh?’ Please tell me you’re not taking it this seriously. Let’s be honest, we’re all broke anyway so does it really matter whether you think we’re ‘posh’ or not?
8. ‘What A-levels did you do?’ Please. No. Do you really care what I did or are you just trying to fill these awkward silences? Say something interesting, please, so I don’t fall asleep in this ridiculously hot lecture theatre.
“The best food I’m eating right now is whatever free stuff is being given out at the union”
9. ‘Where are you from?’ Are you asking because you’re interested or are you asking to assert your supposed Southern dominance? Is it bad that I’m actually scared to tell you for fear of judgement? Honestly, stereotypes do not apply to the majority of us so please don’t make fun of me or laugh at my accent. Also, I didn’t realise how bad everyone’s geography was until I had to describe Nottingham as being ‘somewhere in the middle…’
10. ‘Here’s a leaflet for…’ Stop. Unless I can get free food out of it, I’m definitely not interested. It’s raining, it’s cold and I don’t want to stop on my way home to talk to someone who’s getting paid 50p an hour to convince me to go to the world’s grimiest club. Also, please stop giving me posters because MY ACCOMODATION WON’T LET ME STICK ANYTHING ON THE WALLS. *Breathe.*