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The Devil wears Puma: shockingly bad kits

October 26th, 2015 | by James Sproston
The Devil wears Puma: shockingly bad kits
Sport
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Sports Fashion is a terrifying phrase in as of itself. Given that Halloween is just around the corner, Gabriel Pennington, Harry Musson, Lewis Bedford, James Sproston and Calum Wilson shed light on just a handful of the horrors we have witnessed over the last few decades.

Ghastly Golfers

Golf isn’t traditionally a sport recognised for its exhibition of fashion. The strict dress code at many clubs prevents any bold soul from venturing much further than a collared shirt and trousers. But Ian Poulter bucks that trend. Throughout his career, he has donned some of the ghastliest creations in modern sport, from his shimmering gold and brown combo in 2008, to the Union-Jack emblazoned vest at the 2009 Open Championship at Turnberry. The Englishman remains more famous on the course for his out-there attire and his design company than his golfing achievements. In spite of his Ryder Cup heroics, Poulter may leave a legacy of tartan-trousers rather than sporting success.

The Englishman remains more famous on the course for his out-there attire and his design company than his golfing achievements

Gabriel Pennington

Dreadful Darts

Let’s be honest, darts isn’t exactly synonymous with style. When it comes to aiming a metal arrow from eight feet away into an area the size of a pen lid, I doubt that Phil Taylor wonders “does my beer belly look big in this?” However one man not only sneers in the face of fashion, he takes his tungsten-tipped darts to the designer rulebook. His name? Peter ‘Snakebite’ Wright. This fort-five year old sporting behemoth, who derives his nickname from his favourite tipple, has received both praise and criticism for his vibrant outfits. The mohawk, which takes his wife two hours to style, changes colour every game he plays. As does the snake painted on the side of his head! And to top it off, some of the trousers he wears would put Mr Poulter to shame.

Let’s be honest, darts isn’t exactly synonymous with style

Harry Musson

Chilling Cyclists

With cycling there are a lot of advantages to wearing lycra: you’re more aerodynamic, you don’t get piss-wet through, it’s comfortable and you’ll slide right over Ronnie Pickering’s bonnet no problem. But that doesn’t mean it’s open season. There are unwritten rules that even the pros seem to forget. It was only last year when the Colombian women’s pro team unveiled their flesh-coloured spandex to the world. Coupled with some unfortunate (albeit necessary) crotch padding, the team and kit will forever be remembered as ‘that camel-toe lot’. It was even dubbed ‘unacceptable’ by the International Cycling Union (awkward). Unfortunately, the men are no better. Time and time again we see white shorts in the peloton. For those that aren’t familiar with the world of cycling, white shorts are essentially cycling’s answer to a seedy wet shirt competition in some sticky bar in Magaluf. Peter Sagan, taking the world champions jersey has just recently committed such a crime; we’re probably going to see more from him this year than we would want.

White shorts are essentially cycling’s answer to a seedy wet shirt competition in some sticky bar in Magaluf

Lewis Bedford

Ghoulish Goalies

For no apparent reason, kit manufactures have always taken artistic license when it comes to goalkeeper kits. On the 26th of June 1996 the nation was in tears. Not because England had just been knocked out of their own tournament on penalties by Germany, but because their eyes could no longer bear David Seaman’s woeful “refresher” jersey. And I honestly can’t blame them. But Seaman wasn’t to blame for what Umbro forced him to wear, and I’m frankly surprised it didn’t distract any of the German penalty takers.

One man who is entirely to blame for the abominations he wore is Jorge Campos. Known more for his multi-coloured playing attire than any actual football, Campos’ kits were all self-designed and more often than not included sleeves that could’ve passed as wings. This eccentric style of clothing was representative of his unconventional, acrobatic style of goalkeeping, and probably of his personality too. Much like Rüştü Reçberof, the war-paint wearing Turk who made opposition strikers shit bricks.

I’m frankly surprised it didn’t distract any of the German penalty takers

James Sproston

Rotten Rugby

It’s fair to say that cauliflower ears and battered noses can sometimes make rugby players look a little like they’ve been hit with the ugly stick. But, the tight fitting kits they pull over their perfectly moulded bodies are often in keeping with the latest fashion. The same can’t be said for Stade Français however, whose kit manufacturers are always tested to the full with their weird, wacky and downright outrageous colour schemes. Usually based around the colour pink, the shirts often include unique patterns or even floral cartoons. It’s certainly a far cry from the plain all-black kit worn by New Zealand, but perhaps the idea is to distract the opposition with a bit of flower power.

Perhaps the idea is to distract the opposition with a bit of flower power

Calum Wilson

2 Comments

  1. Paul Smith says:

    I can honestly say this is an enjoyable piece, however James Sproston’s use of incorrect grammar offends me. The word ‘and’ should never start a sentence.

  2. Anonymous says:

    ‘And’ can be used as both a coordinating conjunction and a coordinating adverb

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