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The Queen Who Stole Christmas

December 11th, 2017 | by Callum Costello
The Queen Who Stole Christmas

A staple of the festive telly calendar; the Queen’s Christmas message returns for its 64th edition in glorious colour just before dinner on the big day itself. Whilst it’s too early to dissect I can certainly look forward to it and wonder with a candid northern perspective just what the old bird is going to waffle on about this year.

Did you know? On a royal visit to China in 1986, Philip reportedly told a group of students that they would end up ‘slitty eyed’ if they stayed there too long…

She’ll open with festive cheer and good will to all those under her dominion – even those filthy street cretins and the ancestors of pirates her husband so exquisitely looks down upon. She’ll segue expertly to the retirement of her special fella and his years of tireless service being all royal and what not in public. Perhaps she’ll make a charming nod to that time Phil called the Chinese ‘slitty-eyed’ but likely won’t talk about the £61,000,000 he earned this year doing such “work.” Then she’ll talk about another great man – the best man, bigly good, President Trump, remarking about his rags to riches success before hinting that he’s a horrible, divisive person. Here the sigh of relief; old Queenie feels as we do, she just can’t say it out loud… #relatablelizzie.

            ‘Another year, another speech’

Then she’ll talk about how terrible things in the world have been for the past year, ignoring Britain’s imperialist history. Brexit will get a quick apolitical nod (because topical) before we finish with Harry’s brave decision to wed mixed race American actress, privately schooled daughter of an award winning filmmaker and psychoanalyst, Meghan Markle – such a brave lad. While the bash will cost a tidy penny it’s nothing compared to the work being done of the Buckingham Palace pad, all of which is thankfully footed by the taxpayer at a combined £440,000,000. Another year, another speech, Charlie boy still being made to wait his turn – Merry Christmas you filthy minions! #indestructiblelizzie

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