Take your Higgs-Boson and shove it son, the greatest scientific investigation of the modern age has been completed. The Courier sent up the bat-signal and I duly answered; who better to calculate the science than a guy who resoundingly failed Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Maths, English, Sociology, Religious Studies, Citizenship, Drama, French and German at school?
My charge was simple; work out the blood alcohol content of Ol’ St. Nick after he’s finished doing the rounds in the UK. All I had to do was take the alcohol content for a glass of sherry and multiply it by the number of households in Great Britain. Simple right?
Except not everyone in the UK drinks sherry – in fact I’d say the further north you get the less sherry you’ll find. So first I needed to establish a not at all offensive alcoholic geography of the British Isles; London-kale juice (-1unit per household), South UK outside London-sherry (+1uph), North UK-half drunk can of Carling (+2uph), Scotland dregs of a Super Strength Tennents (+4uph), Hebrides-large whiskey (+1.5uph), N.Ireland-stout topped with alcopop (+3uph), Wales-moonshine (+9uph) and Isle of Wight-a nice glass of goat’s milk (-2uph). So between -2 and 9uph for the approx. 19m households in the UK.
Since not all Brits have been good eggs this year I’m gonna reduce the number by the percentage of people’s who still think Brexit is a good idea
We take the number of households and multiply that by the number of units for their drink; so after a warm up 7.8m home brewed units in Wales, Santa whips up to the West coast for 7.5k large whiskeys (11k units). With the combined additions and subtractions Santa’s 30,931,250 units of alcohol will have him very merry by the time he’s dropped off the last of the goodies on Mum’s royal soil.
Since not all Brits have been good eggs this year (even Santa sees you George Osborne you human stain) I’m gonna reduce the number by the percentage of people’s who still think Brexit is a good idea, leaving us with an adjusted total of 30,931,247 units.
The legal drink driving limit in the UK is 0.08% BAC
Finally, to work out the BAC we need to consider the quantity of alcohol consumed against the weight of the drinker/time spent drinking. I’ve used the measurements of Jeff Bridges as he’s Santa-ish and added a little gut to give us a 6’2, 16st man consuming 5.2billion milligrams of alcohol over 5hrs.
In consideration of the length of time spent drinking and Santa’s iron stomach for booze, I’ve halved the final amount to give us a grand total blood alcohol content of 3,866,405.875% – so says maths, so says the internet, with no checks.
That’s the calorie equivalent of 6.2m burgers, the big jolly porker, and enough to gain him the cold shoulder from Ms. Claus when he staggers in shamelessly post-work.